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Archive for the ‘Motherhood’ Category

My Man-Child

My Man-child left my home – my first-born son and no one asked me if it was okay.  No one asked if I was okay.  And really I’m not okay.  How do I just let my boy go – my boy with the mischievous grin and the beautiful soul, my boy who is part of me – who gets me – who had become my confidante and my friend?  How do I just let him leave – just like that, and what do I do now that he’s gone and he’s left a hole at the dinner table?  Yes, there are 3 more coming after him, but they have not been a part of me as long as he has – 18 years.  That’s a long time to get to know someone, to be a part of someone’s life.  That’s a long time full of memories, laughter, love and tears.  Does all that just end like a period at the end of a sentence?  A comma would be easier – a knowing that there’s more, that he’s not really gone.  Or maybe a hyphen – just a break in thought – for a time.  Does it have to be a period, because that period at the end of these long 18 years hits me like a bulls eye right in the center of my heart – right in the center of my world?  Who can I now be to the ones left behind – especially knowing that they, too, will reach that period at the end of the sentence?  Who am I to be now?  And how do I let go?  Will it get easier as each one leaves or will it just get harder and will I try to hold on harder and longer until the last?  Oh, God, only with Your strength can I do this thing that every mother since Eve has done and must do.  It is by Your design.  I know full well.  Please heal my aching heart.  Do not fill that void in me or the one at the dinner table.  Instead, soften the pain a little so that it is easier to bear.  I must go on for their sake – to keep a home for the ones left behind.

*I wrote this several months ago – when my son actually left home – and am just now able to get it typed here to share with you.  And even now I type through tears and a heart that still aches.

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